Our red thread will stretch. It may even bend and twist, but it will never sever. I will make sure of that. It saddens me; my heart aches at the thought of not being able to see those stunning, beautiful star gaze eyes everyday. Those alone gave me the energy to vanquish the hours of my day. Those soft lips, I will long for the taste every moment we are apart. Your laugh, sense of humor, adorable and addictive smile, your everything, I will miss tremendously…However, I will not let this ruin me. I will not let this ruin us. We will endure, and hold fast. It will only be a chapter of mild struggle. Together we move the oars and our vessel ever forward. It will not only be hardship, for there will be plenty of amazing memories to behold within the next couple of months, and then after that, with enough perseverance and handwork, we will finally be together how we always wanted. Stay strong my love, my heart it breathes and pulses for you and my strength for you and us will not falter.
I’ll be needing armor tonight as I sleep. Adrenaline coursing through my veins. Hands gripped by tremors. That sensation of a wild fire enshrouding your ribs, engulfing your lungs and heart, the rising heat from the flames reaching my mind and driving its imagination wild. Try to imagine yourself encased in a small box like room without sight as this room tumbles through a monochromatic void in space and time. You scream and yell at the top of your lungs, your body is ravaged from the force you endure as your body tumbles around the room as it spins wildly out of control. This is what your mind is like and if no one can hear you in space, this space; its all in your head. The screaming the shouting; it all has to be kept in your head. You’d think every time one endures this i’d become a little more callous, a little more jaded. Unfortunately it is not that easy; not as easy as just growing scar tissue on your train of thoughts, no tough leathery skin to encase you lungs and heart. Every time the burns feel just as terrible as the first time; sometimes even worse. As the symptoms take over my conscious state; I lay here in the subtle comfort of my bed, the little security it has to offer; that can be felt, and it becomes a waiting game. Waiting for me to become so mentally exhausted, so fatigued that my mind can no longer bear the burden of consciousness; it gives up and I just pass out. Finally, a few moments of peace. Until the sun scorches my eye lids, the burning sensation of the suns rays causing me to stir and wake. I’ve but a brief moment before this possession upon me of discomfort and dismay returns. Until the issue(s) is/are resolved, the feeling will remain. It will relentlessly have it’s hold on me no matter how hard I try to fight it, it will not leave until peace in the conscious and tangible world is made.
This is only a sliver, a small window an outsider views me through; only a fragment of my mind, of my world.
I just have to grin and bear it. Don’t worry about me. I’m really just, tired.
I’d think something was truly wrong with me if I didn’t wake up once in a while and be in complete dispair.
This is the life I lead.
An early birthday present?
A twist of fate?
A new challenge?
I felt ill to my stomach; for an instance I thought I was going to be sick. Sick from a sudden an decisive blow from an adversary of mine, a demon of my own design; anxiety. Completely caught off guard, unexpected and surreal. As I hesitated for a moment, to just absorb this happening, I gathered myself and cordially responded.
It’s as if things started right where they had left off.
Is this too good to be true? What’s the catch? Why all of a sudden? What do you want from me now? All were relevant questions teaming ever crevasse of my mind. My ID went wild; everything I craved, wanted, longed for at my fingertips again, and then some. Not just carnal instincts, but a knowing that this relentless void could finally be subdued.
I take the chance; “stepped off the chair so I could learn to let lose”.
Am I destined for disaster once more? Have I learned absolutely nothing in the months past?
My most recent philosophy, as of late, has told me to just accept things for what their worth, find the learning in every aspect of life and to never stay stagnant. Granted, I will not let this in any way falter my vision of the future. However, I will ride this instance out and see what it births.
For better or for worse, I will weather the storm(s).
I know i’m supposed to learn something from this. I’m supposed to gain something from this prolonged period of loneliness, but what, and when? Am I almost there?
When will I (life) advance?
Patience tested ever further.
You cannot push water up a stream. One must learn to chose which battles to fight, and which to just let the course of fate take them; flow down stream. Why prolong the inevitable, if all it would cause is agony.