An early birthday present?
A twist of fate?
A new challenge?
I felt ill to my stomach; for an instance I thought I was going to be sick. Sick from a sudden an decisive blow from an adversary of mine, a demon of my own design; anxiety. Completely caught off guard, unexpected and surreal. As I hesitated for a moment, to just absorb this happening, I gathered myself and cordially responded.
It’s as if things started right where they had left off.
Is this too good to be true? What’s the catch? Why all of a sudden? What do you want from me now? All were relevant questions teaming ever crevasse of my mind. My ID went wild; everything I craved, wanted, longed for at my fingertips again, and then some. Not just carnal instincts, but a knowing that this relentless void could finally be subdued.
I take the chance; “stepped off the chair so I could learn to let lose”.
Am I destined for disaster once more? Have I learned absolutely nothing in the months past?
My most recent philosophy, as of late, has told me to just accept things for what their worth, find the learning in every aspect of life and to never stay stagnant. Granted, I will not let this in any way falter my vision of the future. However, I will ride this instance out and see what it births.
For better or for worse, I will weather the storm(s).
"Transcendence is the final destination; the beginning and the end. We endure a life time of struggle to become the Alpha and Omega."
I am told again and again, after what heartache and heart break has whittled me down to only fragments of faded compassion, that I deserve better. I deserve the best. This statement has really started to sink in. What little appreciation I have for the spirit and hearts among humans, diminishing each passing day in a voluntary solitary confinement; I am waning on the ideal of “someone better and soon to be” and have now come to the thought of this solely, “It is not that I deserve better and or some one better, but more a matter of the world or no one in it for that matter is deserving of me or my love.” People have changed. Our expectations for each other are unreasonable and fictional, and as a result so are mine. Having the idea that I deserve better nailed into my head time and time again has made me no different than the rest of everyone around me. Be honest with yourself; we’re all waiting for someone perfect to come along, we all want a fairy tale to be birthed upon our meeting. It will never happen as long as we think like this. No one deserves my affection because they are convinced I am undeserving of there’s. It makes a full circle.
Recently I have stayed “Online” status with facebook chat, something I seldom do because I dont really like talking to people, I’d rather stay hidden. So I’m almost 85% positive I can tell when someone is trying to hit on me or is trying to “get to know me”. This is why I dont like chat, I dont like dealing with that. How do I ignore them politely without seeming like an ass? Suppose theres no way. Most guys would be all like, “Fuck yeah, shes into me let’s hit it and quit it!” I’m not a bro douchebag that likes to fuck every girl he sees. I will go back to my black void now. Thanks.
Just a tangent.
To my dear followers and future adversaries:
I would like to inform you that, if you haven’t guessed already, I am an artist. Specifically speaking a graphic designer/sketch artist/occasional painter/etc. (mostly graphic art/digital art). I admire all forms of art, but are not limited to the following; Tattoo and body art, music, fashion, paintings, digital art, Japanese animation and manga, writing and poetry. I very often reblog many of these again and again and occasionally blog some of my own work (not often for fear of theft). The point being, if you do not like how my blog has changed, the contents of my blog seems different these past few weeks, or find my post(s) on your dash to be unappealing, tarnishing, or an eye-sore, then it is probably in both our best interest you do not follow. I blog to express my likes and passion(s), not to impress. If that’s your case, then I urge you to simply “unfollow” being my blog does not suite your “refined” taste. I blog what I like. That is all. For those you who still follow me, I thank you and humbly admire you all! Thank you for reblogging some of my post as well as occasionally speaking with me via message(s) in a friendly manner.
I have such high standards when seeking a woman, when I dont even think that highly of myself? In fact I think i’m mundane as hell.
to meet the right person, but at the wrong time in your life? With the chance of possibly meeting them again at a better time for another shot?
and i’m still thinking about you; there may be a problem. You keep me under you spell.
It is very apprarent that some people use tumblr for the soul purpose of amassing the largest number of followers possible. They boast about it 2k, 10k, 100k+ followers. This could be do to several reasons; I personally believe its because they may have self esteem issues or are socially awkward, etc. and they long to feel important, famous, idolized and they try to accomplish that here by becoming a tumblr legend or it’s some sort of contest to them. If that’s the case, carry on. However, how many of those people are actually friends and not just a statistic? I thought of this as I see my number of followers fluctuate I lose one and gain two, lose three gain one. The number does not matter to me, infact I’m surprised at the amount of followers I’ve actually acquired over time; way higher than I ever thought I’d have. Some of those loyal to me have actually praised me for liking my page, and have been there since I first started. Which means we have similar interest, and or they are not conceited about their self image. It just got me to thinking why people unfollow in the first place, because my post “dirty” their dash? Oh, I’m sorry for ruining your flawless tumblr reputation. I suppose the truth behind this concept is, if you are not willing to stick around or be a loyal follower for who I am and you unfollow me because my blog changed and you no longer like its post tarnishing you dashboard, chances are we would not have been good friends if we ever met in person since you do not like my tastes and you’re too worried about your self image. True story.
miss you. So much. I want your embrace; your forehead against mine, and silence. Just silence. It’s been far longer than four months, i’m most positively sure of myself now; that i’m hopelessly in love with you.
If an “ex” is in town, and she want’s to hang out with you, and she ask if tonight is ok (rather than tomorrow as I suggested) because she said, “no one will be home tonight”, is it safe to imply that she wants “something”? WINK WINK, NUDGE? Or what?
Step one: Acquire girlfriend.
Step two: Read “creepypasta” stories together.
Step three: Protect her.
I had checked from time to time as to whether or not the thought of me was welcomed in the minds of my foes, who at one point were my dearest of friends. An impregnable barrier had shielded themselves from the memory of a monster, that which was me; a wall they had built up them selves. From time to time, I approached it; there was no way I was getting in. Months had passed.
I find myself going through a metamorphosis. A self actualization acquired by a voluntary solitary confinement. I am being reborn. I ponder several equations in my head, stressing my mind and thoughts in attempts to exceeded my own imagination; for beyond that lies “truth”. Then today, after all I’ve obtained, endured mentally and physically, jaded and leather, or so I thought. To my astonishment, the walls had been deconstructed, taken down. No words were exchanged. Just a small view was all I had to feed off of. It was a subtle gesture, but enough to clarify one thing for me, “Do you ever think of me anymore?” The answer was not so black and white, but yes, I was thought of in the process of tearing down the wall.
Would anything happen from here? Who knows. Am I thinking too much into the situation? Most likely. Should I just continue on with my aspirations and existence? Yes. All were redundant, all held truth. However, what wits I had obtained, what cunning I know and behold, the strength that resides with in; I’ll be honest, were slightly tattered or dinged by the finding of this occurrence. The past becomes the present once more, and the longing for, is now fresh.
What would I do if “something” did occur. What if we actually spoke again. If you spoke to me? I will remain still, more patience, an attribute I am still trying to master. I’ve fed off you even whilst you were absent to my life line. This entire time, you’ve kept me under your spell.
I wish I was part of a group, or gang, cult or member of some organization. And no one knew about it. Some thing to make my life more interesting. Like Fight Club, or being a member of The DOLLARS or the Yellow Scarves, or the Illuminati, or Free Masons. Anything at all.
I really don’t see the reason for an “About Me” section on anyones blog. Unless you do nothing but post text, the pictures on your blog have everything there is to say about you. Probably better than you could even describe yourself in words because each photo is worth a thousand.